X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) Review

Rating: 1.5 Stars

The following review contains spoilers.

Overview:

Hey, X-fans! It’s time to learn the origin of the one and only Wolverine!

Did you ever wonder what Wolverine was like before he was turned into “Weapon X” and had his memory erased?

He was exactly the same, but without the metal bones. He even went by Logan.

Did you ever wonder about the relationship between Wolverine and Sabretooth?

They are brothers. They signed up for every war from the American side (despite being Canadian) for like 150 years. They split on bad terms because Wolverine got tired of killing people and Sabretooth didn’t. Then Sabretooth pretended to kill Wolverine’s girlfriend in revenge for Wolverine leaving him, so that Wolverine would volunteer to become Weapon X to get revenge on Sabretooth, but the girlfriend was always just a plant from William Stryker, developing a relationship with Wolverine over some extended period of time just so Sabretooth could pretend to kill her, and so Stryker could see if covering Wolverine’s bones with adamantium would kill him or turn him into an unstoppable weapon. When it works Stryker is super happy but it was all a trick, and he orders his scientists to fry Wolverine’s brain. But he didn’t count on Wolverine’s super-hearing (because who would’ve?) letting him in on Stryker’s plan, and Wolverine escapes. And since he’s an unstoppable weapon and everything Stryker has no plan or method to actually stop him. The best they can do is shoot him in the head with an adamantium bullet and erase his memories that way.

Best Parts:

Some of the fight scene at the bar between Wolverine and Sabretooth looks all right.

Some of the fight scene between Wolverine, Sabretooth, and Deadpool on top of a cooling tower on Three Mile Island looks all right.

Worst Parts:

It’s just lame. The whole story is lame and not interesting. It’s not a story that needed to be told. It’s not even bad enough for it to be fun pointing out its flaws. It’s just nothing.

Will.i.am is in this movie as a teleporting guy for some reason. The Blob is here too, and he kind of sucks. Gambit is dreadful. I challenge anyone who only knows Gambit from this movie to say what his mutant power is. The X-Men movies in general are terrible at defining mutations. Everyone can just do anything. Like Gambit can spin a staff over his head so it’s a helicopter. Whatever. Who cares? Deadpool is just some jerk who gets the DNA of a dozen mutants injected into him and his mouth sewn shut (so the most notable thing about Deadpool, his constant joking, is removed from the character entirely by the end, and he’s just a generic super-monster), so now he’s teleporting around and shooting off Cyclops’ eye-blasts.

The CGI is so bad in the scene where Wolverine is first examining his metal claws it looks like Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

There are multiple scenes where Hugh Jackman and Liev Schrieber run screaming at each other, and Schrieber starts running on all fours.

If Professor X knew what was going on at Three-Mile Island, why didn’t he try to intervene? Was this before or after Stryker’s son went to the Xavier School?

Stryker murders his boss when he threatens to shut down the program, in case you forgot he’s the bad guy. And then at the end there’s a stinger where he’s arrested for murder, which is fine, except in X2 he’s a close-adviser to the President.

“I thought you were the Moon and I was your Wolverine. Turns out you’re the Trickster, and I’m just the fool who got played.”

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