Catwoman (2004) Review

Rating: 0.5 Star

The following review contains spoilers.

Overview:

Throughout history, cats have brought dead women back to life, made them feel like they were cats, and caused them to steal and also to help people.

When Patience, a would-be artist who works at the in-house advertising division for a major (evil) cosmetics company, finds out her bosses are about to launch a product that melts the faces of anyone who tries to stop using it, she is flushed out of a pipe and drowns in the ocean. The cats choose her as their latest champion, breathing life back into her body, and bestowing upon her a predilection for eating tuna out of a can and sleeping on a shelf, because if housecats had the intelligence/sentience of humans they would make exactly all the same choices.

Using her new cat super powers, Patience puts on a leather bra and begins investigating who killed her. She is almost immediately framed for two murders because she is not good at this. Her love interest, a loner “tomcat” of a police detective named Tom Lone, taking a break from telling inner-city kids to be good people and shooting hoops, is trying to track down the Catwoman before she kills again. Could his new girlfriend who scratches him and eats tons of fish and hates water and can generally be said to have many cat-like qualities and looks and sounds identical to Catwoman have any connection to this mystery?

Best Parts:

A few isolated seconds of Catwoman fighting the jewel thieves look okay.

The final fight scene among the giant modeling images is in an interesting setting.

There’s a picture of Michelle Pfeiffer among the images of previous Catwomen.

“You don’t want to kill a cop.”
“I’m a woman, detective. I’m used to doing things I don’t want to do.”

Worst Parts:

Catwoman is nauseating to watch. The faces are weirdly smoothed and shiny like it’s The Polar Express, and are constantly in extreme close-up. The camera is always swooping around the room or around a building or just from left to right for no reason. No shot goes for more than 5-seconds before cutting to another shot, and often less. Even when two people are just looking at each other without speaking the camera cuts back-and-forth between them continuously. The scene where Patience and Tom are playing one-on-one basketball is edited so absurdly as to be incomprehensible. Even a simple moment of a scientist explaining the evil face cream contains at least three cuts from the scientist to almost the same angle of the same scientist. Just cutting and cutting and cutting with no purpose.

Halle Berry looks ridiculous. The concept is asinine. The plot is nonsense. The dialogue is gibberish.

Have I mentioned the CGI cats? Or the wannabe Lion King music that plays when “Midnight” is breathing life into a dead Patience? Or Halle Berry just walking out of a jail cell because she’s just skinny and skinny people can literally not be imprisoned?

“Game over!”
“Guess what? It’s overtime!”

“You see, sometimes I’m good. Oh, I’m very good. But sometimes I’m bad. But only as bad as I wanna be.”

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